Holding the space

I consider myself empathetic and a good listener, but is that holding the space? I think it takes self-awareness and self-belief before we can hold the space for someone else. It means genuinely listening without judging (and that is a hard one in itself as so often our judgement stems from our own pain) it … Continue reading Holding the space →

My lost earring

A few months ago, I noticed I had lost an earring; I had taken the pair off at night and put them on my bedside table, a few days later, one was missing. I looked everywhere, in the drawers, under the bed, I shook everything in the drawer and even hoovered it. Initially, I accepted … Continue reading My lost earring →

Appearances are deceiving

This is a 2 part blog about my life at the moment which is on the one hand being there for my daughter and grandson and on the other dealing with my grief. I have often thought prior to even having breast cancer that just because someone looks happy it does not necessarily mean they … Continue reading Appearances are deceiving →

Feeling helpless and navigating Christmas.

I have come to the conclusion it was easier to go through my own cancer journey than watch someone else especially when that someone is my 15 month old grandson. Theo hasn't responded to the initial chemo regime and so is now starting a much harsher one. His breathing has been compromised hence he is … Continue reading Feeling helpless and navigating Christmas. →

Having strength

When I was going through cancer I was told countless times that I was strong. I wasn't strong I simply had no choice. Or was I considered strong because I chose to have the treatment offered or was I strong because I chose to get out of bed each day and get dressed and put … Continue reading Having strength →

To be born and to die are the only two certainties in life. However; how often do we think about death? I never did and I wonder if this is why I find it so hard to process? Grief is different as I do not need to process ‘it’, as ‘it’ is a process I have to go through. I have read and listened to blogs about grief and have come to understand that no one has a monopoly on it. In one of my Breast Cancer blogs I wrote about mourning my breasts; little did I think only months later I would be grieving and mourning again. The grief I felt then was real and caused me momentarily real anguish. A break up or divorce causes grief. The children of divorced parents grieve. The death of a pet can cause anguish and grief. The grief felt is no better or worse for each individual. Grief is grief. When my Father died very suddenly at the age of 57, I became bitter when I looked at much older people – why not them why my Dad? Weirdly this time I am much more compassionate towards everyone. At the moment I feel incredibly grateful for what I had and still have. I feel sad for people in unhappy marriages and sad for older couples because I know that one day they will experience the raw grief that I am feeling. Apparently there are four types of tears. “Tears of grief, change, onion and laughing. Our tears have a different structure deleting which emotion causes you to shed them. Emotions are chemical levels in your brain and your body is constantly trying to maintain equilibrium so if one emotion sky rockets, that chemical becomes flagged and signals the tear duct to open as an exit to release that emotion packaged neatly within a tear. That is why we feel more stable after crying. I do not want to write about my own grief – perhaps one day I will but for the moment it is too personal to share. Suffice to say it is a minute by minute struggle.