A few months ago, I noticed I had lost an earring; I had taken the pair off at night and put them on my bedside table, a few days later, one was missing. I looked everywhere, in the drawers, under the bed, I shook everything in the drawer and even hoovered it. Initially, I accepted I must have accidentally vacuumed it up. However, I carried on looking because gradually as time went on, I began to just know deep in my being that I would find my earring. Two weeks ago, I opened the drawer that I had emptied numerous times and sitting in full view was my earring.
After I wrote a blog about my lonely journey going through breast cancer, my Mother called me and said she could relate to it because despite not having gone through BC there were and are times in her life that she recognised the loneliness.
One can be surrounded by people and yet be lonely; one can be alone and not feel lonely.
I used to enjoy time alone secure in the knowledge that my ’alone’ time would not be for long.
A couple of friends were discussing in front of me how they love spending time alone. I wanted to say ”it is easy to say that when you know you have someone coming home to you” but I realise there is no point because until you have reached that point, you will not understand.
I do nonetheless, need my alone time which perhaps doesn’t make sense as I spend so much time on my own.
I need time to reflect and regroup. I need time and space to acknowledge what I have lost and the dark shadow.
People say ” keep busy” however, I have come to realise we are all different, and for some, staying active is right. For me personally, that is not the answer. I had no choice when Theo was sick. My priority was him and my daughter. I did not have much time to be lonely or sad. However, I knew that one day everything I suppressed would have to come out, and it is. There are days when it feels like day one again.
A friend in response to me saying “I find it hard coming back to the house and finding it exactly how I left it” said, “oh I would love that.”
A year ago I probably would have thought the same thing now I would give anything to trip over shoes left by the door. His laptop charging on the kitchen table and all the other little things that used to irritate me.
At my friends funeral, I was chatting to a couple of friends who have both been widowed for many years. They both said,” it is the coming home to the emptiness that is still really hard.” I left the conversation at this point because I at least have a dog who greets me with a lot of love and enthusiasm! I am not ready to look too far into the future because that is when the negativity and a downward spiral begins.
I like a mix of being active and sitting with the loneliness and sadness because only then can I begin to understand and listen to what my inner being is saying and as with the ‘lost earring’ I know one day I will be okay, and that life will flow in ways that I can not even begin to imagine.