A new journey

Last time I wrote a blog I was a bit anxious and a bit depressed as I felt I had written enough about my journey through breast cancer. I wanted to carry on writing as I loved the process of writing but had no topic to write about.

Little did I know that within weeks of writing the last one I would be writing about a completely new subject – bereavement.

Little did I know that the topics I had touched on previously would marry up with what I am going through now.

‘My lonely journey’ God knows the lonely journey through BC is bad enough but this loneliness when you have lost your best friend, lover, and father to your children is the pits.

I keep expecting him to come back, to walk in from work, to walk in from walking the dog. Except it is morning and he wasn’t with me last night, and the dog is beside me on the sofa.

I dreamt he came last night to say hello however he was in a suit and that wasn’t my Julian. He hated wearing a suit and tie. He loved Levi’s especially his old ones with holes in them.

The same as I had no choice during my breast cancer journey I have no choice now. Julian used to laugh at me because half way through a book I would look at the ending to see if it was happy or sad. I could envisage the end of my breast cancer treatment – I had a date and although I didn’t know the outcome I believed my Oncologist.

Now I cannot imagine a future because it isn’t the one I had presumed I would have.

However on the 25th July ( 4 days before the anniversary of my Fathers death) I never thought I would laugh or smile again. How could I smile when the person who made me laugh and get mad and who gave me confidence to pursue my dreams was gone. And yet I have laughed – laughed at shared memories with my children, laughed at my grandchildren’s antics. Laughed albeit hysterically at the funeral home and in the funeral car.

I didn’t think I could love anymore and yet I do; I love my children more than I thought possible, I love the friends who check up on me, call me, txt me and I especially love the friends who are going through their own grief and yet still check up on me. I haven’t quite got to loving my dog licking me and trying to kiss me on the lips but who knows?

So the same as I think I wrote in one of my BC blogs I have a choice. I accept this new journey is shit and will be shit. I also know there will be days when I won’t want to face the world. I can’t see an end date, I cannot look at the end of the book and see a happy ending. I have joined a couple of forums and have already decided to come off them as reading things such as ‘another day done means I will be closer to you’ is not helpful. I didn’t choose this but I can choose and accept how I live every minute of every day.

6 thoughts on “A new journey

  1. I love you Georgie! I think you are amazing and I look up to your inner strength in ways you could never imagine.
    Life as you say is so shit!!! I wish I had the ability to handle my own problems with the same dignity and grace you do. I am ALWAYS here for you. Don’t ever forget that and will do my up most to see you soon once the epilepsy is stable.
    You are incredible and you will somehow carve a life with Julian spiritually by your side. No one should have to have to undergo the pain of sudden loss in the way you have.
    Just remember there is a whole group of bc ladies who love you so much. 💖

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  2. Dear George..that was so beautiful but so sad at the same time..you and Julian had such a special relationship..when I met him in his office in Ealing 4 years or so ago..he mentioned you and told me about his family..even though it was our first meeting..i felt like I had known him for years 🙏🏾what an amazing man he was..so funny..loved taking pictures..loved nature and animals..and loved you so much..you are so blessed to have spent your life with your soulmate💜I only wish you could of had more time together..but you are a warrior queen..you have been through one of the most awful illnesses…now you have love all around you .with your children and grandchildren..sending love and hugs💜xx

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  3. Dear Georgie,
    What a moving post – you are a wonderful writer. Your pain and loss must be immeasurable but your inherent bravery still comes through as do your innermost emotions. I hope you can keep writing and through it find an outlet for your thoughts and that love you had, and still have and carry with you . Lots of love to you xx

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  4. I am so sorry to read this. You’re absolutely right, life can be really shit sometimes…really shit. I completely understand & admire your approach, it’s one I take daily; to choose how to accept & move forward within situations that you haven’t chosen is hard but remembering that you do have the choice of how to live every minute of every day does help us see the beauty in the simplest of things. Sending love to you & your beautiful family xx

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  5. I love your honesty in your blog Georgie. I can’t begin to imagine how lonely you must be feeling at this moment in time but am sure by putting your thoughts down on paper must help. Julian would be proud of the strength you are showing at such a sad time. Much love my friend. Xxxxxx

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