Last time I wrote a blog I was a bit anxious and a bit depressed as I felt I had written enough about my journey through breast cancer. I wanted to carry on writing as I loved the process of writing but had no topic to write about.
Little did I know that within weeks of writing the last one I would be writing about a completely new subject – bereavement.
Little did I know that the topics I had touched on previously would marry up with what I am going through now.
‘My lonely journey’ God knows the lonely journey through BC is bad enough but this loneliness when you have lost your best friend, lover, and father to your children is the pits.
I keep expecting him to come back, to walk in from work, to walk in from walking the dog. Except it is morning and he wasn’t with me last night, and the dog is beside me on the sofa.
I dreamt he came last night to say hello however he was in a suit and that wasn’t my Julian. He hated wearing a suit and tie. He loved Levi’s especially his old ones with holes in them.
The same as I had no choice during my breast cancer journey I have no choice now. Julian used to laugh at me because half way through a book I would look at the ending to see if it was happy or sad. I could envisage the end of my breast cancer treatment – I had a date and although I didn’t know the outcome I believed my Oncologist.
Now I cannot imagine a future because it isn’t the one I had presumed I would have.
However on the 25th July ( 4 days before the anniversary of my Fathers death) I never thought I would laugh or smile again. How could I smile when the person who made me laugh and get mad and who gave me confidence to pursue my dreams was gone. And yet I have laughed – laughed at shared memories with my children, laughed at my grandchildren’s antics. Laughed albeit hysterically at the funeral home and in the funeral car.
I didn’t think I could love anymore and yet I do; I love my children more than I thought possible, I love the friends who check up on me, call me, txt me and I especially love the friends who are going through their own grief and yet still check up on me. I haven’t quite got to loving my dog licking me and trying to kiss me on the lips but who knows?
So the same as I think I wrote in one of my BC blogs I have a choice. I accept this new journey is shit and will be shit. I also know there will be days when I won’t want to face the world. I can’t see an end date, I cannot look at the end of the book and see a happy ending. I have joined a couple of forums and have already decided to come off them as reading things such as ‘another day done means I will be closer to you’ is not helpful. I didn’t choose this but I can choose and accept how I live every minute of every day.