Last week I attended for the first time a yoga class titled ” The awakening body.”
The approach invited us
‘to open to the totality of our felt tactile and sensorial experience moment by moment free of any agenda.’
Ellen, the teacher, guided us in meditation, simple postures, movement and breathing exploration, visualisation and dialog.
I tried to go with the flow – not easy as I am somewhat inhibited, quite shy and never done anything like this. However, as I moved my hands around, I noticed nothing until the word dead came into my head. I thought nothing of it until I moved my hands around and again when they were in front of my chest the word dead again came into my head. Still, I thought nothing of it and carried on. I observed as if I was a third party looking on that it referred to the mastectomies but felt no emotion just accepted it as a FACT.
After an hour or so we stopped and had a break. Ellen asked us to share anything we wanted. I had no intention of adding to the conversation and so was shocked when I found myself saying I had the word dead come up and was even more shocked to find myself crying.
When I was diagnosed, time and decision made was of the essence – FACT. Two breasts removed out of necessity ‘FACT.’ Two reconstructions – not a necessity but a FACT.
I realised while I was crying that I had never mourned the loss of my breasts despite never having particularly liked them they were still a part of me, I had gone through my teenage years with them. My dad who had died quite a few years before knew the me with them, and very importantly they had fed my children.
For the last couple of years, I have practiced gratitude. Before I get up in the mornings, I try and run through everything I am grateful for and in the evening I write three things I am thankful for.
Back in 2012, I had never heard of the practice. I remember being very grateful that the tumor was out. It never occurred to me to mourn the loss or be thankful and yet having googled mourning removal of breasts and expecting to find nothing was surprised to find pages and pages.
I wonder if because the period from diagnosis to the operation was so quick I had no time to think further then what size sports bra do I buy I missed any information regarding saying goodbye to what was?