When I finished my treatment for Breast Cancer, I was determined to do something with my life. I felt obliged to LIVE LIFE to the full. To find the job that ticked all the boxes for me and gave me satisfaction.
Six years ago this month I went back to a job I did not enjoy after nine months of treatment and so started the guilt…. I have been given a second chance, and yet I am back doing what I was desperate not to do anymore.
Within a few weeks of going back, my boss sent me an email in response to one I sent her re her moving on.
Her words made me cry “Georgie, please remember you are worth far more than you think you are and you have so much to give.”
I cried because I was touched and I cried because I felt I had let myself down. I knew I had so much to give and yet I did not know what and how and where.
I wasn’t happy – I pretended I was, I pretended I appreciated life and my health and to a certain extent I did but I knew something was missing, and I could not find what it was and so I continued to feel guilty.
I began to read self-help books and to meditate, but that was not giving me the answers.
The more I felt guilty, the more I got anxious.
I joined a gym in the hope I would find my mojo and would subsequently find my purpose.
Guilt was the mainstream in my life – I wasn’t eating the right food, I was not doing any exercise, and I wasn’t living life to the full according to my window of the world.
I was tired and of course, attributed that to lack of exercise and not eating the right food and and and.
While trying to live this guilt-free positive life I also had numerous operations and was dealing with various family issues and so the guilt continued to imbue my life especially as I continually felt I was letting myself down by not living life to the full and finding the job that ticked all my boxes.
Finally a year ago two things happened. I found an exercise I loved doing and was happy to go to the class 2 or 3 times a week, and I finally accepted I needed help and began to see a therapist.
She helped me to look at the past five years with compassion and to understand that being grateful and appreciating life was enough for the time being and that eventually when the time is right, I will find my purpose.
I still find myself feeling guilty when I hear of someone’s life being cut short and people saying “make the most of life” in fact this is what gave me the inspiration for this blog as I realize if I were on my death bed my sadness would be for my family and not what I haven’t achieved because my song inside me is appreciating my present moment and knowing in my heart that when the time is right I will be doing what is right. I do not need to grab every minute and make the most of it because I believe by appreciating every minute I am making the most of life.