There is nothing like the possibility of death to wake us up to the beauty of life.
Well, that is what you’d think and what everyone thought and what I was also determined to believe. I had survived a not so good diagnosis so I tried to grab. Grab something because I needed to prove that cancer was not going to define me.
I remember returning to work and in my head being fascinated that everything and everyone was the same and yet I had changed; my whole world was now unpredictable and frightening. I did not voice any of this to anyone because the expectation from everyone was ‘move on; it is in the past’
I had been looked after for 10 months and now I was on my own and so I did what I always did and got on with life; put my best foot forward and returned to what was to become a new normal.
My new normal back then was coping with fatigue and memory loss.
I never felt I had been or was in a fight though or that I had been in a battle. I trusted that the chemo had done its job and killed off any rogue cells.
A battle implies choice and I certainly did not choose to be diagnosed with cancer or my two beautiful daughters and I having the brca2 gene.
Mary Williams wrote in April 2016 “The word “battle” has become synonymous with the experience of cancer. With no other information than a diagnosis, headlines will declare that a public figure who’s revealed a health issue is ‘battling disease’
So along with every person I know who has had cancer I cringed last week when the media referred to Rachel Bland as ‘she lost her brave fight’ and ‘she lost her battle’
And yet… I used the word ‘fight’ in my last blog and questioned why….
I asked my older son whether he felt it was a fight to give up drugs and he said “of course.”
I asked my younger son whether he felt he was fighting the cellulitis when he was so ill and he said “no not entirely.”
Eventually I came to the conclusion that the fight I referred to was my thoughts and that was only after I read :
“Rachel Bland had triple negative breast cancer one of the toughest forms of the disease to treat”
I am a glass half full girl and try to turn a negative into a positive. I am grateful for so much in my life – my gorgeous new grandson and the other 7 grandchildren, my children, my health, and yet I read ‘triple negative breast cancer one of the toughest forms of the disease to treat” and I felt sick. I didn’t just cry, I sobbed because I had triple negative breast cancer and I realized part of my new normal is a 99% positive mindset and that remaining 1% is fighting not the cancer, but the voice in my head and fear in my heart.